Having been disabled for so long now, sadly, this is a now big part of my identity. Some people even see the wheelchair (and job) before they see me as the “person.” And, to be honest, this is what did it for me, this is what broke my heart.

I mean, I can take a lot of mental and emotional discomfort, and I’ve endured some shit that nobody should have to go through (just as we all have our own battles, some of them extremely private that we may still be struggling with today), but what I’m trying to get at, as I understand it now, it is humanity that we all need.

Humanity. It’s not respect of it, it’s to actually have it.

Connection, love, friendship, community – give me something I can feel.

A life force.

There’s a huge irony to what I’m saying here though, even hypocrisy, you see for years I didn’t want to feel my humanity, or feel anything for that matter. Feeling stuff was like straight-up emotional torture, because “delusionally” all I ever felt was inadequacy. In particular, this related to love and friendships, I never felt like I was enough, so I masked these shortfalls with any vice you could imagine.

I’m not super keen to get into these outlets right now though, instead, what I’m starting to realise how important it is to address this stuff. As dumb as this is about to sound, it’s essential to feel.

Like specifically for the last few years I’ve been running a lot (as shameful and as embarrassing as it is to say), and this is because I’m tired. Hard to believe I know, haha, but the disability slog takes it out of you. I’ve even felt weak and defeated. Damaged. This same routine of support staff, performing all these simple tasks of daily living for me (things that if I was able-bodied wound probably take twenty minutes, instead they take two staff several hours), which, I’m sure, for some people this whole concept will be hard to even imagine. But yeah, most of my day (morning at least) is consumed be lengthy mundane tasks. Also, don’t get me wrong like I am very thankful that I have staff to help out, yet to put it bluntly, at times, all the help creates a rather soul destroying and frustrating situation. And it can and does get to you, at least I know I’ve certainly had my moments.

I’ve actually had moments where I’ve been watching a complete stranger simply walking down the street and felt extreme jealousy toward them, like thinking far out being able-bodied is such a gift (and this person is most likely oblivious to their good fortune). Meanwhile, here I am dealing with this shit every day.

Obviously, it’s just the cross I bare, still, it’s not an easy one.

But, what does this all translate into? This is the question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. Like I’ve reached this weird point, I’ve pounded down on myself enough – all the self-hatred and self-loathing, it’s dissipating. I’ve finally realised that there’s no benefit to it. There’s no pay-off in punishing myself anymore (even from hiding or numbing myself out), it’s lost its “fun” so to speak. So, even as my life still sucks, my mental health strained, yet this wild beast that is me is taking on a new chapter.

I dunno, but finally I can see the blurry north star again. Take your power back.

Feel again.