I sent a whingy email last night, to someone I admire greatly, still, being whingy is something I rarely do. Was it a cry for help? Hm. Nah, I think I more so needed the outlet, I’m always holding the beach ball underwater. And, to be honest, what I’m noticing, I’m letting this ball go that bit more and more lately – because I want to – and this has reasoning, it’s because I really do want to heal; mentally and emotionally, and what I’m hoping for is that this will translate into my everyday life. Even have a physical consequence, like to give me the confidence to start getting up, out and living again, to re-join the community.

I’ve been so sheltered for so long now, it’s strange but it’s almost like my life stopped those few years ago… but my heart did not.

Then, another thing that came from (or I noticed from) this whingefest, for many other reasons and these weird saboteur type things, it’s like I’ve been giving my power away. Yeah, at risk of sounding like a total wanker, but if I do ever get my shit together (which is what I’m currently trying to do), I am “different.” I don’t want to say much else, just that I run at a slightly different frequency to most other people. I’ve been told many times. It’s not special, it’s “different.” Impactful… there I said it.

So, if I can once and for all, finally, stop giving my power away through all this stupid stuff (and because of my personal disgust and disappointment at my circumstance), I’m sure I could do great things.

I’m sure I could touch many hearts and help lots of people.

It’s just who I am, as I realise now, I’m a healer. I am here to serve, help and inspire. But this all comes down to three things: I need to stop getting in my own way (and allowing my power to flow), obviously to do the hard work (like dreams don’t just happen, they take massive commitment and effort), then finally it’s all about having that rock to lean on. It’s just a fact, people need people. This has been my biggest lesson over these past few years, nobody wins alone. And this is exactly where I’ve gone so terribly wrong.

You need to give within a community.

What do I mean when I say I want my life back?

In this now infamous whingy email, I did actually say one truth that struck me. One of the strangest things about me; fireworks, hospital admissions, crushing defeats, I always manage to keep working on my dreams. I am so committed to them and I believe they matter. For one day, I know that my words will inspire some little boy or girl, who against all odds, they’re the ones who will find greatness because of a perspective shift that I’ve provided. This is because, I’ve demonstrated, no matter what the obstacle that creative living and fulfilment is possible.

Personally, myself, I don’t see greatness as my path or role though – rather I hope to inspire it. I’d love to create it for others, hence to provide avenues. So, where I see myself, rather, I very much see myself as a change-maker and pioneer, documenting the immense complexities of extreme disability (and life itself for that matter), to unlock some of the human psyche under this strain. To let my successes and failures serve as guides.

Furthermore, it’s almost like I see my life as the experiment, to see how far I can push it and how far I can go, only regrettably I have been failing quite badly at this lately. Or, put it this way, I believe I should’ve been doing much better and this I because I lost sight of my north star.

Anyway, so, what is it that I want? Well, I’ll get into this more soon but… it’s not fame and fortune, nor is it even respect anymore (which at one point respect for my humanity was a big deal, now, not so much), you see, the thing that’s kinda taken over everything, it’s my search for normalcy.

I want to be who I could’ve been, disability or not.

And in doing so, this is where I can inspire others.

In fact, this is probably gonna sound strange but this is what my legacy will probably end up being too – documenting my search for normalcy. Only the funny and ironic thing about this search, I don’t even think I know what “normalcy” is as it’s so subjective and different for everybody.

But one thought bubble that I do often come back to, I find interesting how there was once a point in my life where I was determined to prove that “disability wouldn’t beat me, or even change me” because in many ways it did steal my identity. Disability took the world that I knew and smashed it into smithereens. Then, ever since, I’ve been scrambling to find myself – happiness, purpose and meaning… normalcy. Or, let’s face it not even that, more like someone with some emotional stability and fortitude.

I lost myself.

And this is what I want back: me.

“Me” is normalcy.

Disability has taken so much away, yet it has given abundantly too. Bizarre.