Who am I? What a strange question to ask yourself. What am I living for? Possibly less strange but profound all the same. And what does it all mean? Mind blown.

It’s obvious, I’ve been lost for several years now, failing miserably at answering these big questions. I think this is because I always wanted one life (a conventional family life with my own little team) and what God has given me is almost the complete opposite. Also, I think why I feel so ripped off, it’s not about having a disability; it is the extent of it.

Look, honestly, no more, I’m just so sick of talking about this stuff. Disability… get over it. I think the most important points to note though, my issue has been that all I could see was failure (particularly for these past few years) and I’ve been freaking nutso heartbroken.

So, “who am I?” A heartbroken failure? Honestly, this is something I’ve pondered upon a lot, like seriously.

However… FINALLY… as I’m realising, I’m simply somebody on a journey that is nothing like the one I’d imagined for myself. Nope, no pina coladas and swimming pools here. But it’s still somehow epic as well.

My life pushes me both mentally and physically every day, I put up with heaps of unavoidable shit too, and yeah I’ve been in all these fucked-ass situations now (and still am from time-to-time) that I wouldn’t wish upon anybody. Yet because of this (and somehow making it through), MIND BLOWN, this has made me someone accidently remarkable.

Boom. WTF. But yeah I’m pretty sure THIS IS WHO I AM, someone “accidently remarkable” – not a failure at all. Haha, lots of “all caps” today.

Only what does “accidently remarkable” mean, I’d say it’s obvious, but yeah I think part of my north star is to find out what this person is truly capable of – in terms of switching from surviving to thriving – so that I can remove the word “accidently.” Oh man I’ve got some work to do.

Still, being pushed and living under so much strain, it can’t help but change you.

Oh hell no, I’ll never use that diamond metaphor.

Instead, what I will say, I do think the greatest contrast between the life I have now and who I could have been, it’s that I now have this bizarre-deep understanding of self and the human condition, plus I can provide these almost unbelievable stories and perspectives. I’m rather unique too, like sure I know a few people similar to me physically only what separates me is this constant focus on the fairy tale (interpret that as you will, I know exactly what it means to me).

Anyhow, having this understanding “stuff,” it doesn’t mean I’m any bloody good at applying it.

Mental note: also make “application” a part of this new north star stuff. Haha.

In fact, this lack of, hm, let’s say a lack of discipline in applying what I know, this is something that I’ve been mad at myself about for these past few years. I know so much yet my heartache almost destroyed it all.

I let my power fly away.

Who am I? Yep, here we find ourselves again, at this same haunting question. Well… you wanna hear the most honest answer I’ve ever given? I’ve been too scared to find out.

Like this “accidently remarkable” thing, this “what am I truly capable of” thing, it’s super new to me, and this is because the word “failure” was the black cloud blocking everything else out.

So, as a result, I don’t really know who I am anymore (because of this fear thing, heck maybe it’s even a fear of success?). So, I’m re-learning, muscle memory.

Like I’m trying to think back to the time before this super heartbreak occurred (and lots of bad habits ensued), and you know, I was a pretty nice and ambitious bloke. Adventurous and curious. Okay… and a bit of a bogan too. This fog a failure has just been so dense though, so I’d kinda forgotten.

Only now, because of a number of key “wake up” events, I’m starting to remember.

I mean, what I’ve started to realise, it’s that I’m not a failure. My life is just unconventional, stressful too, yes… yet like I said before bloody remarkable. In some ways I’m even a miracle, haha with one of the most amazing backstory’s ever. Which, slowly, yeah bloody slowly, I’m starting to own this.

THIS IS WHO I AM. This is the person I’ve become. And my blurry north star, it’s to own this and turn my unique life into a notable success story. To use these insights that I’ve learnt to create real meaning (and to help more people). Like I’ve only been toying around until now (mainly because of this super heartbreak).

And I believe this is who I am (or, at least this is who I could be quite easily with some discipline and dedication). I guess it’s everybody’s journey hey, we all have to get out of our own way – God does the rest.